I have to admit, I'm going to be glad to be done with these love tips. In finding the lamest ones, I have been forced to read through almost the entire book and, frankly, I'd rather be reading my novel (The Art of Racing in the Rain) right now.

So drum roll please as I unveil the final love tips....

Idea #58
Plan a midnight picnic inside or outside your home. Choose an unusual location: in your car, trailer or in front of the fireplace. If you choose to go outside, put a blanket on the ground and put lighted red tea candles around you both in the shape of a heart. Enjoy!

Er, yeah. First of all, I'd be way too TIRED for a midnight picnic. Second of all, my hair would probably catch fire from all those tea liights.

You know what this reminds me of? Remember those Bridal Magazines that girls liked to look through in high school? My cousin Mel and I used to make up ridiculous names like Fiona Geutenchnafel and Grindalin Beringawanger and fill out those 'free sample' cards inside the Bridal Magazines and send them to each other.

There was always this ad for honeymoon destinations, and one in particular for the Pocanos where there was a couple sipping wine in a red heart-shaped hot tub. There was another picture of a hot tub shaped like a champagne flute.

I know the lady who wrote this book would enjoy both of those things.

I'd like to close with what I think is just about the cheesiest idea in the book... it sounds like my Grampa made it up.

Idea #101
Cut out a large set of red lips from construction paper and put in an appropriate place for your mate to find. Attach a note: "if your lips aren't busy tonight...why not bring them on over to my face?

C says, "That one's not even funny. It just makes me angry."

Construction paper lips indeed.