It rained all night. This morning I woke at 6am and made tea, went out and sat on the couch and watched the rain pour.

It's been a brutal week. The kids are out of control. We got kicked out of the library yesterday. I'm not kidding. It was because Ella was screaming and I couldn't get her to stop. Also, she lost her pink cowboy boots in one of the book isles, and we couldn't find them. We left with Ella walking in only her socks, screaming. Then I "beeped". I had forgotten to check out some books that I had been carrying around the library in my diaper bag. So of course it looked like I was trying to steal them. I felt like an unfit mother.

People can be so unkind. I mean this in the nicest way possible, but it seems like the old bitter ladies that work at the library have never been married or had children and because they live in the perfect, unmoving silence of the library all day, when a normal child comes in, they go mental.

Also, before we walked into the library, out in the parkade, the woman who was parked next to me called to me and said I dented her van with our car door. I dragged my kids over to have a look- I was sure we'd been careful getting out. I opened the door, and the dent on her van didn't match where my door would have been, so it obviously hadn't been us. I was relieved.

Now where I come from, people would usually apologize for inconveniencing a person, and especially they would apologize for falsely accusing someone of denting their van. I certainly would. But she said nothing, just turned her back and got into her van.

"Okay. So take care then." I said under my breath.

It really does give a person reason to worry about the state of the world.

Some beautiful things are:
The red snapdragons in a mason jar on the windowsill
The lavender oil I bought yesterday
Waiting for the kettle to boil for tea
The green, wet world
A nice new friend I met at a show on Friday
Reading my Annie Dillard book for the 2nd time
My old, ugly but warm red sweater
The leftover remnants of mudpies made today in the back yard.
A long drive "home" tomorrow for Thanksgiving weekend.

Today, I feel a little calmer. I spent the morning alone, writing. I wrote a terrible song on guitar and then patted myself on the back. "Good girl." I always say when I show up and write.

It's late. The rain is starting again. It's cold. Snow on the hills this morning. The girls are sleeping now. Thank God. They wore me clean out today. I have nothing left.

.......
"I guess what I am trying to say is that it's okay it's okay it's okay. To just be still and even confused and not have to move."
-from the lyrics of September Afternoon, which I wrote last week.