I have to admit, I'm going to be glad to be done with these love tips. In finding the lamest ones, I have been forced to read through almost the entire book and, frankly, I'd rather be reading my novel (The Art of Racing in the Rain) right now.

So drum roll please as I unveil the final love tips....

Idea #58
Plan a midnight picnic inside or outside your home. Choose an unusual location: in your car, trailer or in front of the fireplace. If you choose to go outside, put a blanket on the ground and put lighted red tea candles around you both in the shape of a heart. Enjoy!

Er, yeah. First of all, I'd be way too TIRED for a midnight picnic. Second of all, my hair would probably catch fire from all those tea liights.

You know what this reminds me of? Remember those Bridal Magazines that girls liked to look through in high school? My cousin Mel and I used to make up ridiculous names like Fiona Geutenchnafel and Grindalin Beringawanger and fill out those 'free sample' cards inside the Bridal Magazines and send them to each other.

There was always this ad for honeymoon destinations, and one in particular for the Pocanos where there was a couple sipping wine in a red heart-shaped hot tub. There was another picture of a hot tub shaped like a champagne flute.

I know the lady who wrote this book would enjoy both of those things.

I'd like to close with what I think is just about the cheesiest idea in the book... it sounds like my Grampa made it up.

Idea #101
Cut out a large set of red lips from construction paper and put in an appropriate place for your mate to find. Attach a note: "if your lips aren't busy tonight...why not bring them on over to my face?

C says, "That one's not even funny. It just makes me angry."

Construction paper lips indeed.

I think this is, officially, the worst one in the book...

Idea #93
Had a few disagreements? Some heated discussions? Wrap up a bag of Werthers butterscotch candies. Attach a note: "Werther we agree or disagree...I'm still in love with you and am committed to you."

Yup. Definitely grounds for divorce, that one.

I think this one would be just plain annoying. Plus, if you had kids, who would notice what with the bits of cut-up paper and Leggo already on the floor?

Idea #71
Cut up little pieces of red or yellow yarn and leave them on a trail throughout the house. Attach a note to the first one: "Follow this string and you will find a beautiful thing!"

It's late. Have just come back from a show. Some guy at the bar tipped me $100. Always nice. Longing for my bed.

Here to post the love tips, and since I can't decide which one is worse, I will post both:

Idea #64:
Purchase a bottle of Eno or a packet of Tums. Attach a note: "My heart burns for you!"

Idea #65:
At Easter purchase plastic Easter eggs and write little notes inside them telling your mate why he/she is an Egg-ceptional Mate, Parent or lover. Hide them around the house and have your spouse search for them.

(Get it? Egg-ceptional? Exceptional. Har har har.)
These do not even warrant a comment. And also, I'm too tired.

More to come....

Idea #62
Wrap up some batteries and attach a note: "Time to re-charge our relationship. Let's plan a getaway soon."

...And just so you truly grasp the seriousness of how bad this book is, I'll post the next page too....

Idea #63
Buy him a new tape measure and attach a note: "This tape measure isn't long enough to measure my love for you."

Kay, I don't know about your husbands, but my husband would be like: Hey, do you think you could stop wasting our money on this stuff? I already have a tape measure and I'm not really into this new theme decorating kick (see love tip #3 below) you seem to be on, okay?"

Idea #34
Plan "theme nights". Possible themes: Western Night, Hockey Night, or Eskimo Night. Plan your food and decorate your bedroom using the theme idea. With simple, yet appropriate decorations, props and clothing, you can turn an ordinary night into a real celebration. Keep your partner guessing what your bedroom will look like next. Have great fun in the confines of your own home!

Did she say Hockey Night? --Hey baby, how do I look in this goalie suit?-- Who does these things?

Idea #30

Find two mismateched socks and wrap them up with the following note:

"Two socks seldom match for life...sure glad we are!"

Several Valentines days ago, my mother in law - MY MOTHER IN LAW! - gave C and I a basket wrapped in celophane as a gift. We thanked her and after she left, we opened it.

We were somewhat shocked to find that it was a basket for a "romantic night", full of dollar-store items including furry handcuffs (I'm not making this up!), a door-knob hanger that said "GET IN HERE!", one of those cardbaord arrrows that you spin when you're playing a board game, only this one landed on various kinky activities to engage in (they were very mild but STILL, that's not the point) and a bottle of sparkling non-alcoholic apple cider.

The funniest part was a small book titled "Romance 101: 101 Creative and Fun Ideas to Keep Your Marriage Alive and Sparkling!"

The ideas in this book are so APPALLINGLY lame and ridiculous, that I thought I would post them here for fun. I still have this book for one reason: because sometimes at parties we pull it out and read some of the ideas out loud and we all have a good laugh. (I'm sure my mother-in-law meant well.)

From now until Valentine's Day, I will post, daily, one of these ideas in case you want to get your love life sizzling (or, more likely, drive someone away).

Here's the first one:

Idea #10
Wrap up a pair of large oven mitts and attach a note: "BEWARE! YOU SHOULD PREPARE TO WEAR THESE TONIGHT!" - YOUR MATE MAY BE TOO HOT TO HANDLE!..." This is sure to bring a chuckle and a smile! Or, wrap up some hot peppers, attaching a note: You're hot stuff too!"

Oven mitts? Hot PEPPERS?
Oh dear dear dear dear dear.

Things have been getting clearer for me.

I have been asking for help where I need it. I have a tendency to do things alone, without reaching out, and it has only served to make me feel isolated and cramped up inside.

My intention to change things this year seems to have set something in motion. The right people, books and mentors seem to be finding their way to me.

What has surprised me is the layers of revelation I have been getting about my own perfectionism. I have always secretly known it was stopping me from doing more of what I wanted to do, but I had no idea, until recently, how deep that went.

My 7 year old went ice skating with her class several times in the month of January. I joined them a few times, and it was difficult and painful to see how timid she was on her skates.

She has always been very late to reach milestones--for example, most toddlers begin walking when they're 12 or 13 months, some even earlier. She didn't walk until she was almost 17 months. But she NEVER fell. While all the other kids were hurtling themselves around on their wobbly legs, crashing into coffee tables and sidewalks, she was clinging to things (and me) and NOT FALLING. Only when she was dang sure she could walk without stumbling did she go ahead and walk, and she has walked perfectly ever since.

Watching her learn to skate, I was reminded of this. While all the other students whipped around the ice, she clung to the walll, shuffled ever-so-carefully across the edges of the ice, trying her hardest NOT to FALL.

It's hard to watch, because she misses so much fun. And while perfection is achieved, by ruling out the chance of failure she makes learning harder and slower.

But then I realized that in many invisible ways, I am exactly like that. I have spent far too long trying not to fall as an artist. I have spent far too long clinging to a wall.

This, more than any outward circumstances, is what needs to change if I am to move forward.

I am not talking of worldly success here. This is an inside thing. Whatever the outcome might be, for better or worse, I must let go of the wall and let myself fly and fall and spin and fall and run and fall.

Learning this has helped me to further pinpoint the deadness I have felt these past few years. Somewhere after the release of my first album and the publication of my first few poems, I began to think that I needed to shift my focus over to "getting it out there". Which changed my whole focus from process to product, and I inevitably started to get tangled up in things I had not anticipated.

"Fame is a poisonous word for an artist." Julia Cameron wrote.

William Blake said: "I should be sorry if I had any earthly fame, for whatever natural glory a man has is so much detracted from his spiritual glory. I wish to do nothing for profit. I wish to live for art."

And while being a singer and songwriter is very much ABOUT having an audience (I suppose I could sing to the cat, but that's not really what I feel I am here to do) I personally feel really really messed up when making art becomes more of a business than a path.

Van Gogh wrote in a letter: "My only anxiety is what I can do...could I not be of use and good for something?...in a picture I wish to say something that would console as music does."

I feel something inside me coming home, remembering why I sing. I want to console, to ease suffering somehow through my music. How and when that happens is none of my business. It feels like such a relief to name this, to say it out loud.